You are good

confession: i tend to find a certain playlist on my ipod and listen to it over and over and over {something that i've learned drives joel kind of crazy. he would rather have more musical variety}. i've been stuck on a worship playlist i created that includes songs by kari jobe and gateway worship for the past couple weeks {almost a month, maybe??}.

so as i was driving down the interstate last week i was, of course, listening to this specific playlist. i'm sure i'd heard all of the songs at least 14, 765 times at that point but that morning, the Lord used one of the songs to not to just speak to me but to flat out SHOUT out to me. the song, "you are good" by gateway worship started playing and all of a sudden, i had this flashback to the week Daddy was in the hospital.

the weeks {maybe a month or so} leading up to that very long and horrible week in october the Lord had really been dealing with me regarding His goodness but not just about the fact that He is, indeed, good but that no matter the circumstances, He is good and His plans are good. everything in my life kept bringing me back to that one thought, that one phrase, "Lord, you are good." nothing big or spectacular was happening in my life during that time. in fact, life was actually going well...i had finally gotten into the swing of things at work, joel and i were doing really well with weight watchers and working out, and life was just plugging along. for some reason, though, it seemed as though the Lord kept circling back to the same question to me in my quiet times, prayer times, etc. "do you know I am good? do you believe that My plans for you are good?" and i would always respond in the same way, "of course You are good and i believe Your plans are good."

then, october 4, 2011, our phone rang at 7:30 am and that phone call began the longest and worst week of my life. from the point we arrived at the er and found out Daddy was having a heart attack, i began praying almost non-stop. i would find myself praying for healing and for procedures to go smoothly but i would also make it a point to say to the Lord, "i know You are good and Your plans are good. i trust You." sometimes i wonder if it was as much a declaration to the Lord as a reminder to myself about His goodness.

my "flashback" last week was specifically to the night before Daddy's heart surgery. we all {the whole family} were in Daddy's ccu room and stood around his bed and went around the circle praying outloud together. i stood beside his bed and held his hand and prayed for his surgery to go well, etc. and i will never forget that at the end of my prayer, i again, told the Lord that no matter what, we know He is good, His plans for us are good, and we trust Him. little did i know how much that would be tested the next day and in the coming months.

i'm not going to lie or pretend like i've got it all together. i've had moments {moments? let's be honest...more like days, weeks, months} since that day where i have flat out told the Lord that i don't see how this situation could be good at all. or how my mom having to go through surgery for uterine cancer 3 weeks after Daddy died could be good.

i'm so glad that my feelings don't change the truth about the Lord...He is good and His plans are good even though i look back at the last 4 months and see heartache, hurt, loss, devastation. i also see His comfort, grace, mercy, and steadfast love. i've had to learn to redefine my definition of what good really is.

there's not really a great way to tie a pretty bow around this post because let's face it, i'm still in the middle of trying to understand this new definition of goodness. i'm thankful, though, to follow a God who allows me to wrestle and struggle with my questions and deals with me in a gentle and loving way. some days are messier than others but i'm learning.

i do know this...He is good and His plans are for my good even when i don't understand.