the messier side of things

i have a lot of things floating around in my head right now and i'm fighting the desire i have to set them aside and write the post that i had already been formulating in my head over the last few days. why would i do that? well, that post would probably be much more organized and a little less "messy." i'm not a big fan of messy...i'd rather you think that things are always together all the time but that's not real life now, is it? by messy i don't mean that things are horrible or falling apart but more that i have some more questions than i do answers right now and i don't have everything figured out. shocking, i know. but i promised myself a few months ago that i wouldn't censor {within reason} what i blogged about just because it might be messy or not be as "together" as i'd like.

so, i'm going to go against my desire for everything to be "always together" and just type. i will promise to do my best and edit my thoughts just so they make some sort of sense ;) i can't get too crazy now, can i? to give the post a little bit of order, i'll give each little section it's own header or title. {just can't leave messy alone now, can i?}

patience: lately it seems as though i have been running short on patience or maybe lately is the wrong word...perhaps i've always been a little {or a lot} short on patience and i am just realizing it more as of late. i'm not good with waiting and right now it seems as though the answer to a lot of things in life right now is.........wait. bleh.

genuine friendships: i've been disappointed lately {within the last year} by some friendships i've had in my life that i would have labeled as a genuine friendship {and by that, i mean a real friendship...one that is going to last} but due to circumstances changing {distance, frequency of being together, etc} they've just completely died. one thing i do know is that not everyone is meant to be a lifetime friend but it doesn't make those friendships ending any easier. i do know that friendships go both ways and i'm certainly not perfect {far from it} but it's just part of what i've been processing and thinking about lately in my own life.

real life: while i've been sad that some friendships haven't seemed to make it through life's changes and real life, i do have some very important friends in my life that even though the Lord has taken us down different paths and directions, His bond has remained between us and it is the sweetest thing. one of those friends, nikki, i've known since junior high school...can you believe that? i still remember enduring our 9th grade typing class together and thinking that life was just coming to an end when we were transitioning from junior high {gulp} to high school. life has certainly "happened" for both of us and for a while, we lost touch. several years ago we reconnected and while she has been busy with her family {a husband and 3 children} and i have been busy with seminary, work, and getting married we have managed to get together when we can and just share life with each other. two months ago another lifelong friend from junior high {courtney}, nikki, and i were able to get together and share with each other over coffee. the Lord began a bond between the three of us way back in 10th grade and a desire to do ministry and missions that has never faded. it's interesting to see that even through all the "stuff" of life, those deep down passions and desires the Lord places in your heart don't die...it may not end up the way you would picture it to be but He gives us those desires for a reason and it's amazing and beautiful to see how He works those things out in our lives. the three of us got together to talk through some of those old desires to do ministry together to see if the Lord was maybe bringing us together to bring that to pass....it's funny, though, we never had the opportunity to talk through that specifically that morning. we spent our time talking about life and how God has moved and shown up on our behalf. we shed some tears talking about His goodness and i believe He began knitting our hearts together again that morning. this past week, i heard from nikki that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. to say that my heart has been heavy is a tremendous understatement. i'll be honest to say that i don't understand what the Lord is doing and my heart has been broken over this but any and every time that my sadness or grief seems overwhelming, i have made it a point to stop whatever i'm doing and just lay it down before the Lord. so, if you're reading this, would you commit to pray for nikki? she has a very long and difficult road ahead of her...pray for her, her husband, and her 3 children. real life can be hard to swallow sometimes, don't you think? i am grateful, though, that the Lord is steady and sure...the stability of our times.

ministry: when i resigned back in september, i had no idea as to what the Lord was doing and why in the world He was leading me to step away from that particular job. i think, at first, i was just relieved to get to be a newlywed! there were lots of things at home that had been on my "to-do" list for months that just never made it to the top of the priority list and it was nice to have time to get those things done. pampered chef was a fun little stint in the middle of that time...it was great to meet new people AND i was able to get lots and lots of incredible products for incredible deals. after my daddy's surgery in november, our anniversary and christmas in december, i'll be honest to say that january was rough. all of a sudden, all of the busyness of life had stopped and i realized i was staying at home. full. time. and i missed my old job. thankfully, my hubs was {and still is} amazing...he would continually remind me of the word we heard from the Lord and reassure me that the path we were on was one that was from Him and not one we created on our own. it hasn't been easy because i don't feel like i'm finished with full time ministry...actually the exact opposite is true...i have a deep desire and longing to be right there in the middle of fulltime ministry but for now, the Lord has asked me to wait. ugh. there's that word again ;). i don't know what He is doing...hubs and i have some suspicions but we will have to wait and see. all i know is that His timing and plan is perfect. i don't see the big picture right now but that's okay...i know i'm walking where He has led me and the hardest part is not running ahead beyond where I know I'm supposed to be.

i think i could probably keep typing {i've held some of this in for quite awhile...remember how i said i didn't like "messy"?} but i'll stop myself now. my goal is to blog a little more consistently so that i don't write a book every time i post. oh, and if you read all of this, bless you....that's 10 minutes of your life you'll never get back.