Friday, January 15, 2010

be still

true confession: i've really been struggling lately. there. i said it. on the blog and everything. have you ever been in a place in life where you weren't quite sure what was bothering you but you knew things weren't exactly right? yeah, i've been there the last couple weeks and it hasn't been a lot of fun. if i'm being completely honest, i'm not exactly the most introspective person in the world and sometimes, it just takes me a while to process everything to figure what in the world is going on.

i've been feeling quite discontent with some things in life...specifically, i've been feeling purposeless. {that's my "word of the month", apparently} i don't mean to sound whiny or ungrateful. please hear me when i say i know beyond a doubt that the Lord has blessed me with an absolutely amazing husband, an incredible home, awesome family and friends...i could go on and on. i think, though, that the realization that life, for me, is very different than it was 5 months ago has just now started to sink in. life was very busy for us in the months after i resigned from my job and since the pace has slowed down, it's more of a reality for me. i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord called joel and i to make the tough decision to go ahead and resign but when you're 6 months removed from that "mountain top experience" with God, sometimes the doubts can creep in. i've asked the Lord lately, "did we hear you correctly?" or {my favorite}, "are You sure You know what You're doing here?" it's a good thing that the Lord isn't afraid of our questions and our fears. His response to me, though.... "be still." my response has been the same, "really? be still? ugh. that does not sound like my idea of a good time." His reply, again? "be still."

so, that's where i am right now. i'm supposed to be still. now, factor in the breaking free bible study and a recent conversation with a good friend over a cup of coffee {where she, not knowing my current struggles, spent 2 hours encouraging me to make the most of my time at home while i'm in this waiting season. those were her words. i sat at her kitchen table in tears overwhelmed by the goodness and graciousness of the Lord that He would continue to speak to my heart through this friend when i have been less than agreeable with Him lately.} and i know i'm right where the Lord wants me to be. i'm in a new place that, quite frankly, is a bit uncomfortable because i'm not in control right now {funny that i think i ever was} but i know the Lord is going to use this time to change me, stretch me, and mold me to be more like Him and less like me {praise Him for that, by the way}.

my goal and my desire is while i'm in this season of waiting that i will make the most of my time. my friend so kindly pointed out that i'm in a very unique season in life where i am not committed to a full time job and i don't have children {yet}. i have an opportunity to focus on my husband, our home, getting healthy and in shape, and on my relationship with the Lord. so while this time of waiting seems uncertain and sometimes difficult, i am choosing to be thankful. i don't know what the Lord is going to do in this season of my life but instead of being grumpy, whiny, or complainy {is that a word?!} i'm going to be thankful. thankful that i have such an opportunity to grow and learn and be stretched in my relationship with the Lord with very few distractions; thankful that i can focus on my husband and the best way to support him as he leads our family; thankful that i have this time {without children} to establish our home.

i have always joked that since i was 15 years old, i knew exactly what i was going to do with my life and the direction the Lord was leading. in some ways, that's very true...i always had such a clear direction and focus as to what my next step was supposed to be. for the first time in my life, more things are uncertain than are certain and i'm okay with that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy, gosh I feel like your post tonight really spoke to me about not having a "purpose". As you are hearing from God to "be still", I am not, but I think I need to "listen" more. Thank you I needed to be reminded to be thankful as well for my life, family and not to dwell on the failures we are going through right now. Teresa